I didn’t forget about you.
This is my friend Jordan. He’s missing. He was last seen in the Cowan Ave. and King St. W. area around 8 a.m. on January 23.
He’s, 5’10″, and 170lbs. He has short brown hair and wears glasses with black frames.
He was last seen wearing a navy coat with fur on the collar, brown pants, and white Nike high tops that glow in the dark. He also had a grey sweatshirt on and a second jacket with a duck pattern. He was carrying a black backpack.
Police are concerned for Smith’s safety and are asking anyone with information to contact 14 Division at 416-808-1400 or by calling Crime Stoppers at 416-222-8477.
This is the part of the story where I introduce myself, and explain how I am special and have great ideas. Then I explain that I made up my mind and decided to do something completely banal, but it seems crazy because I am special and I don’t waste my time with normal things.
At first things are weird and so I decide to use my wit to make fun of things that other people might enjoy, or find completely normal. Since I am special I do not find these things good. In fact, I find them downright stupid.
Someone involved has agreed to answer my snarky questions. They are very nice, and I kind of start feeling bad about my previously discussed disdain, but I persevere because that’s why I’m here!
I embrace the event as best I can. At this point I would like you to feel somewhat guilty about sharing my cynical world view. Did you know people actually like this thing that you constantly belittle? Well maybe you should think about that before you make your silly jokes.
I am finally ready to go back to my old life. I will spend a few moments talking about how the thing, though lame, was still fun. Doing things is good. You should do things too, just make sure someone’s willing to publish your experience otherwise you’re just another chump.
Don’t sweat it baby girl. You’re a beautiful millionaire that won’t have to worry about the effects of climate change in your state-of-the-art lifestyle pod (I’d opt for the Extreme Clean Oxygen edish, but that’s up to you to figure out). Unfortunately there’s a good chance that you’ll grow up to be a petulant asshole, but I imagine you’re used to those by now, so just lay back and enjoy the fruits the rest of us won’t be able to afford.
Why I love my husband
He is 800% muscle, 16% heart
His penis is good; strong.
He only uses the finest elk scented body oils
His commitment to his hair is only rivaled by his commitment to me
He is a musician
He is a marksman
He’s thrifty without being cheap
He was an incense package model
He mixes business and pleasure with explosive results!
Speaking of explosives, if you’ve had to run away from an exploding tree, car, boat, man, this is the man that you want grabbing your hand and pulling you away at the very last second.
I am a bikini model