Oh Jerry :(
This is only for people who are literally in the middle of having a heart attack and also prefer lemon lime flavor to cherry or grape.
(Also, I have added this powder packet to the mobile pharmacy that is my purse in the hopes of saving a life and appearing on the cover of the New York Post with the word “HERO” next to a flattering photograph of myself, but mostly for the life saving part.)
Oh man. This was created by someone in a Bernie relationship for sure. “Well I might as well die now, since you you can’t even be bothered to save my life properly.”
Drowning in a pool is def. number one, so the rest of the list is just window dressing (housefire, blackmail boss, real life Blank Check, piracy, money bus, eating the rich, magic cloak, shut down vanity plate business)
1. Girls are more excited about getting late night food than having sex
No doye! Have you ever eaten food after a big night out?! That shit is the best. I mean what could be better than shoving some greasy ass pizza from Massimo’s down your gullet when you’re all gussied up in your Saturday night finest? Certainly not sex with the creep who lurks outside the restaurant. No wonder girls keep bailing on you, you’re the guy that gets the pity invite and then ruins the evening. Well done, sir.
2. Girls cockblock more than anywhere else in the world
When you say that the Toronto cockblocking scene is the biggest in the world, give us some background on your research, or at the very least a spreadsheet that shows us how you crunched the numbers.
3. Girls think they are cooler than they actually are
I have stared at your explanation for hours with a team of scientists and geniuses and we still have no idea what you mean.
4. Girls are obese
According to a Canadian Community health survey done in 2008 15% of men in Toronto are obese versus 12.5% of women. You’re right though it’s certainly unhealthy!
5. Girls don’t give eye contact
This one’s tricky. I think what you meant to say was “girls don’t check me out!” Huh? Are you worried that all the other dudes who are “getting eye contacted” are proceeding to have all of the sex with all of the strangers they lay (FUN INTENDED!) eyes on? However, if you’re talking about a lack of real-deal eye contact from women that’s a legitimate concern because it means you’re that guy on the subway who’s making everyone nervous, except all the time.
6. You have to be approved by the “mother hen”
This isn’t actually a thing. Think of it more as creative rejection. Or, to put it in bro: the wolfpack thinks you’re fucking awful.
7. Too many Asian and Indian girls
You dislike beautiful women?
8. Ugly girls are desperate while attractive girls are inaccessible
Isn’t there a condescending Wonka for this? In fact this whole list could be rebutted with a condescending Wonka. Oh boy!
9. The entrenched PUA culture is raising the egos of all women
“Entrenched PUA culture”? Whoa! Relax Dr. Mystery. Let’s just get this out of the way: you spent more than $500 on some classes with a money back guarantee but then you read the fine print and that shit was null and void the second you walked into the Ramada inn where they held the conference. There’s no shame in being scammed, man! Some asshole stole my pin number once and bought gas and donuts. I caught it in time, but you know I was down $40!
10. Last call is at 2am
Yeah this sucks, but I know that when you say there isn’t enough time for seduction (barrrrrrrrrf!) that’s just code for ‘girls don’t have enough time to drink enough so that I appear to be an acceptable sex partner.” Too easy.
11. If you make just one mistake with a Toronto girl, you will be rejected
The word ‘mistake’ has never sounded so ominous.
12. It’s very expensive
You’re right! Be better with your money, dummy.
13. It’s a suburban city
It feels weird listening to an out-of-towner use the term 905er. Kind of like how you can insult your own family, but if anyone else does it they’re fucking dead.
14. It takes a lot of work to date up
As it should! For someone as looks-obsessed as you, surely you’d understand the rules by now. But really, I think it’s a question of attitude. All that negativity must ooze from you like popped zit. You’re cooked man! Women can smell sad-angry a mile away, and seeing as you’re attempting the impossible (i.e.: dating up with a shitty ‘tude) you’ll only be met with rejection, thus inspiring you to write this list.
15. It beats men down
Totally. Must be like how this list made me sad, but also happy because I will never ever have sex with you!